The Theory of Being Everything..!!

"There’s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood." 
~ Brad Meltzer

Honestly, the bits and pieces of this post is in my diary and notepad for few weeks now. And still when I started to write it here, then also I'm not sure what this post is about. I think maybe if I start writing, it might help me clear out things.

I understand that everyone has their secrets.
Everyone has a dark side of them, a dark passenger, who always accompanies them.
Everyone has a chapter in their life that they don't read aloud.

I too have some of them. I too have a dark passenger whom I like to keep in check. But lately this companion of mine has gone rogue. I didn't let it hurt anyone else, so now it's after me. Well, I think it needs me to speak out. But the biggest problem with me is I don't know how to stand and speak even if something wrong is going on with me. I end up being quiet. Another thing I don't understand is: if someone is behaving in a certain manner, why is he/she behaving that way? The extent to which I'm okay in interpreting complex equations and formulae, you just negate it, and I'm equally bad at interpreting human behavior. Well, at the end of the day, I think I'm human only and not an alien; also I need to interact with others to survive but I'm not sure how. I've always faced difficulty in going and talking to people, basically that has effected my performance everywhere, be it in interviews or interactions with friends. My friends and family think either I'm a stupid or I'm an arrogant guy who doesn't care about what others think. Well, in the matter of fact, I do care and most of the time, even my parents curse me. They even curse me for my expenditure, but I'll be spending just to roam around and meet my friends in the hope that I find someone who'll understand me. However, this problem has mine have always been there. Earlier I was considered just a reserved kid who is scared of interacting with elders, but now, though my behavior is same, the situation is different and it matters.

The year 2016 has been the worst for me lately. Lot many things have happened and are happening. Earlier I was just a student who always used to spend his life in lab or with books. But now, now I'm part of this vicious cycle of life where I have to earn my living and interact with people. That has never been the real me. My parents say that I'm completely normal but no, I fake the interactions with people around me. I just repeat the dialogues, which I've overheard over the past few years from everyone in different situations, when it comes to interacting with someone. Yes, it's just recorded in my mind for me and I simply replay. Yeah, I've few friends, who I know that they understand me(or maybe I feel so). But life is getting weird lately. I know they can't stick with me all the time and since past one year I'm in a weird state of mind. Till the time I was student, I knew how to handle problems. Now I'm no more a student and I don't know how to handle real life situations. I try fitting it in patterns hoping to understand and predict the outcomes of other upcoming situations based on past events but I've failed every single time. Obviously the blame comes on me that I'm not at all understanding.

I don't know whom to talk to and even sometimes I get to talk to someone, but then I don't know what to talk. By the time I realize, it gets too late. Yes, every single time it gets too late. Stephen King once said:

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”

Yes, "the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear." I dunno whom to go and talk to, but lately I'm just hoping to find an understanding ear who lets me give a chance to express myself. Yes, I need to express myself. Just once, with a feeling of comfort. I don't want any lecture on what to do, just for once, no lecture. Again, there is this problem of me not being able to express to everyone. That's why I write and don't talk. But, honestly, it has always been hard to find someone like that, at least for me it is hard. That's why I'm posting this, requesting not to poke me and judge me. I'm a weirdo who panics easily and who's waiting once to be understood, just once. Though I try, but believe me it's frustrating because I can't be everything and this theory of being everything is killing me. As a result, loss of focus in everything.

PS: Once a close friend asked me not to stop myself from letting the thoughts flow. Hence, after long thought, I'm publishing it here.


  1. "I understand that everyone has their secrets.
    Everyone has a dark side of them, a dark passenger, who always accompanies them.
    Everyone has a chapter in their life that they don't read aloud. "
    - So true!!!

    Last year was a horridly tough year for me...This year, things seem to be better! If ever you need someone to talk to, feel free to send across a mail - I am quite a good listener and sometimes just venting does wonders!

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